That no one ever talks about - Depression. Well here's the thing. I'm depressed, I have been on and off for years. It goes in cycles and I can get years of being fine and then I'll be struck down with it again. When we moved here a few years ago I was on a good part of the cycle, feeling better and much more able to get on with life.
Since then I've failed dismally to get a permanent job, despite people I work with or for giving me glowing references. The girls are going through puberty, complete with hormonal mood swings, stubborn argumentativeness and sheer rudeness. The CSA has decided in their infinite wisdom that my ex doesn't need to pay maintenance despite obviously lying about his income on their forms. I've appealed but it's not worked, in fact, I apparently need to repay 2K he's overpaid! I can't claim for any money from the DSS or income support because I haven't worked solidly for the last 2 years - although I've worked for most of that time, part of it's been part time so I've not paid enough stamp I'm told.
To cap it all off things with hubby and I aren't the best. He's not been well for ages, in fact almost since I met him he's been on a downward spiral health-wise. It's had an effect on all areas of our marriage, including those people don't talk about. I've not been good health-wise myself so I guess I'm partly to blame. But he's cutting me out of things and won't talk to me about things.
But now I feel lost and don't know what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to go from here. I feel totally worthless, society tells me I'm not worth helping in any way, I've got no concentration so I'm not achieving anything craft wise which has always been a help when I've been depressed before. I'm failing as a parent cause all I seem to do is argue with the girls, I can't even manage to get to meetings at the right time - last night I turned up an hour late for one, completely believing I was on time. I'm overweight and heading in the wrong direction on the scales but I can't get the energy together to think about what I'm eating and even getting up the stairs can be a challenge some days, so exercise isn't possible either.
I'm so tempted to run away, but with no petrol in the car, less than 50 pounds in the bank I don't think I'll get far. Not to mention that the children will track me down. I give up.
Tuesday 14 July 2009
Wednesday 8 July 2009
New Nooma Video
Our Minister uses Rob Bell videos in church from time to time and they are always powerful and hard-hitting with relevance for today.
The new video is available for preview for the next 24 hours and is no exception. Talking about the trials of Job, Rob speaks powerfully about our need to know why bad things happen as they do and puts things into perspective.
I'd recommend any of Rob Bell's videos, but this one is especially good for all of us struggling with the effects of the recession.
Grace
The new video is available for preview for the next 24 hours and is no exception. Talking about the trials of Job, Rob speaks powerfully about our need to know why bad things happen as they do and puts things into perspective.
I'd recommend any of Rob Bell's videos, but this one is especially good for all of us struggling with the effects of the recession.
Grace
Wednesday 22 April 2009
Spring Harvest
In the twenty years since I last went to Spring Harvest some things have changed – Steve Chalke is twenty years older, grey haired and leading the big top celebrations rather than the teen sessions. Graham Kendrick is older but still as prolific with his songwriting. The venue was different too, Skegness rather than Minehead.
But despite the superficial changes some things remain the same. God’s goodness and love was still apparent in everything we did. From the little things like the atmosphere of everyone on site to the teenagers who picked my daughter up after she’d fallen over. They dusted her down, cleaned her knee and put a plaster on before helping her to where we were meeting. Teenagers I might add that I would have hesitated to talk to in the street – a lesson perhaps not to judge a book by it’s cover.
For me personally I felt as though I’d come a long way since that first visit, but also that life had come full circle.
As an 18 year old I was single, childless and had youth and vitality on my side. Now, some 20 years later, I’ve two children, rather more grey hairs and somewhat less energy than back then.
But God still spoke to me. He spoke about getting out there, into his world and his community, showing his love in practical daily tasks. Finally I realised the worth in all the domestic routines and chores I do. Showing God’s love in action isn’t some abstract concept, it’s in the nitty gritty of life. For some people it’s in the home, for other’s its at work.
But wherever we are we can find opportunities to show God’s love in action.
Obviously though, we need to share God’s love, not just keep it in a holy huddle in our churches, and that was something that was talked about a lot this week – taking church out into our community. The challenge is to get down and dirty with the poor, the needy, the lonely, the disenfranchised who live round the corner from us. We need to move forward from Hope 08, not get stuck in a rut, and so the challenge for us is to ask, ‘What next?’
But despite the superficial changes some things remain the same. God’s goodness and love was still apparent in everything we did. From the little things like the atmosphere of everyone on site to the teenagers who picked my daughter up after she’d fallen over. They dusted her down, cleaned her knee and put a plaster on before helping her to where we were meeting. Teenagers I might add that I would have hesitated to talk to in the street – a lesson perhaps not to judge a book by it’s cover.
For me personally I felt as though I’d come a long way since that first visit, but also that life had come full circle.
As an 18 year old I was single, childless and had youth and vitality on my side. Now, some 20 years later, I’ve two children, rather more grey hairs and somewhat less energy than back then.
But God still spoke to me. He spoke about getting out there, into his world and his community, showing his love in practical daily tasks. Finally I realised the worth in all the domestic routines and chores I do. Showing God’s love in action isn’t some abstract concept, it’s in the nitty gritty of life. For some people it’s in the home, for other’s its at work.
But wherever we are we can find opportunities to show God’s love in action.
Obviously though, we need to share God’s love, not just keep it in a holy huddle in our churches, and that was something that was talked about a lot this week – taking church out into our community. The challenge is to get down and dirty with the poor, the needy, the lonely, the disenfranchised who live round the corner from us. We need to move forward from Hope 08, not get stuck in a rut, and so the challenge for us is to ask, ‘What next?’
Thursday 5 March 2009
Typical NHS
So, to set the scene.... Hubby (Robin) may or may not have something called Cushings Disease which is basically a tumour on his pituitary gland. It's 99% likely not to be cancerous and can be completely treated and cured - which is the good news. The trouble is that the symptoms (Diabetes, depression, weight gain round the middle and lack of energy) can be other things that people get on a regular basis.
Often it takes years before a doctor even thinks of Cushings as a potential issue (I've heard of it taking 20 years) and even once they've thought of it the tests take a while too. Given that Robin's been 'diabetic' for about 10 years now you get the idea of how long this is all taking. Our doctor in Bradford first mentioned the possibilty of Cushings three and a half years ago now and we've still not had a definative diagnosis. Robin had some tests done before Christmas which we thought were the last lot and the results took nearly three months to come through. Then we're told that they need to do some more tests as they're still not sure. Some of them Robin was able to do at home which was great, but there were some which involved taking blood at midnight which needed to be done in hospital.
All well and good you might think... except it took them three weeks to find a bed for him at hospital to take him in to do the tests. The idea was that he would be in for two nights and on the second night they would take the blood at midnight having given him some tablets during the day.
I had a text from him this morning, not a happy bunny shall we say. They took the blood out of him last night, but without giving him tablets. This is despite him asking nurses repeatedly thoughout the day yesterday about it... no one seems to know what's supposed to be happening. As I say, typical NHS really. It looks like he'll have to stay in tonight as well which isn't going down well as a prospect at all with him.
Me on the other hand... I might finally get a good night's sleep tonight as I'm totally shattered after not sleeping for the last two nights cause he's not been here.
Often it takes years before a doctor even thinks of Cushings as a potential issue (I've heard of it taking 20 years) and even once they've thought of it the tests take a while too. Given that Robin's been 'diabetic' for about 10 years now you get the idea of how long this is all taking. Our doctor in Bradford first mentioned the possibilty of Cushings three and a half years ago now and we've still not had a definative diagnosis. Robin had some tests done before Christmas which we thought were the last lot and the results took nearly three months to come through. Then we're told that they need to do some more tests as they're still not sure. Some of them Robin was able to do at home which was great, but there were some which involved taking blood at midnight which needed to be done in hospital.
All well and good you might think... except it took them three weeks to find a bed for him at hospital to take him in to do the tests. The idea was that he would be in for two nights and on the second night they would take the blood at midnight having given him some tablets during the day.
I had a text from him this morning, not a happy bunny shall we say. They took the blood out of him last night, but without giving him tablets. This is despite him asking nurses repeatedly thoughout the day yesterday about it... no one seems to know what's supposed to be happening. As I say, typical NHS really. It looks like he'll have to stay in tonight as well which isn't going down well as a prospect at all with him.
Me on the other hand... I might finally get a good night's sleep tonight as I'm totally shattered after not sleeping for the last two nights cause he's not been here.
Wednesday 25 February 2009
Anglican Buddist Bishop????
Now, after three years of studying Comparative World Religion at University, I thought I knew a bit about religon... but today I see that the Diocese of Northern Michigan has just appointed an Anglican Buddist Bishop.
Don't get me wrong... I've no problem with either religion, I just can't work out how you can be Anglican (Christian) and Buddist? I thought they were mutually exclusive kind of like oil and water? Perhaps I'm wrong and one of you can enighten me...here's hoping!
Don't get me wrong... I've no problem with either religion, I just can't work out how you can be Anglican (Christian) and Buddist? I thought they were mutually exclusive kind of like oil and water? Perhaps I'm wrong and one of you can enighten me...here's hoping!
Thursday 5 February 2009
Depression's good for the writing!
As some of you will know, I've been a bit fed up recently. I'm feeling a bit better this week - had a good chat with HR about the job I didn't get and came out of the meeting feeling far more positive about things, and having doubled the dosage on my tablets I'm feelling a bit better on that front too.
The nagging pain in my side has gone today which is lovely and makes a change. I was really starting to get fed up with that!
It's been a while since I shared any writing with you and while going through some files looking for something else I came across this, which I wrote when I was really down a while ago and seemed kind of appropriate to share:
Retrograde Step
Wrapping itself around me
I feel its cold tendrils worm their way to my core.
Suddenly the whole purpose of life is gone and everything is a chore.
A friendly smile brings floods of tears,
A pat on the back, a quivering lip.
Slowly, surely the clouds slip over the sun.
And yet there is a consolation to all this,
It’s a place I’ve been before.
It knows me.
Like a life-long comforter,
only instead of uplifting,
reassuring like a
much loved teddy bear,
It drains, depletes me
Saps me, debilitates
Depression is at home once more.
The nagging pain in my side has gone today which is lovely and makes a change. I was really starting to get fed up with that!
It's been a while since I shared any writing with you and while going through some files looking for something else I came across this, which I wrote when I was really down a while ago and seemed kind of appropriate to share:
Retrograde Step
Wrapping itself around me
I feel its cold tendrils worm their way to my core.
Suddenly the whole purpose of life is gone and everything is a chore.
A friendly smile brings floods of tears,
A pat on the back, a quivering lip.
Slowly, surely the clouds slip over the sun.
And yet there is a consolation to all this,
It’s a place I’ve been before.
It knows me.
Like a life-long comforter,
only instead of uplifting,
reassuring like a
much loved teddy bear,
It drains, depletes me
Saps me, debilitates
Depression is at home once more.
Wednesday 28 January 2009
Feeling better - nearly
Ok, so I'm feeling a bit better today. I went home and DD1 was, if not being nice, at least staying out of everyone's way, so the evening was fairly quiet.
Had a good natter with a friend on the phone which cheered me up immensly and hopefully I can return the favour at some point, ate chocolate and cried on DH. And woke up this morning feeling not quite right but no where near as bad as yesterday which is good.
On a more fun note, I was surfing the net (as you do) and found this, all about customer complaint letters.... gave me a smile or two and I hope it does for you too.
Had a good natter with a friend on the phone which cheered me up immensly and hopefully I can return the favour at some point, ate chocolate and cried on DH. And woke up this morning feeling not quite right but no where near as bad as yesterday which is good.
On a more fun note, I was surfing the net (as you do) and found this, all about customer complaint letters.... gave me a smile or two and I hope it does for you too.
Tuesday 27 January 2009
Fed up and had enough
My DD No1 is now just over 12 and hit puberty with a vengance. That's ok, I can understand that. She's angry, hormonal and doesn't know what's happening to her or why. (and yes, she's had 'the talks' both from me, her grandmother who she is close to and from school so she knows the theory of what's happening).
What I'm really finding hard to cope with is the sheer nastiness to her sister, the cat, us.... in fact almost anyone she comes into contact with. It doesn't matter what you've done, sometimes just breathing in her vicinity is enough to set her off.
Sunday she asked me why she had to do anything Robin told her to as he's not her "real father"... I did point out that he was much better than her real father given that the last time she'd seen him he'd beaten her black and blue (I still have photos to prove it). I also pointed out that he didn't have to have taken her on when he met me - many men wouldn't, that he loved her, did stuff for her and generally spoiled her..... not sure that any of it made any difference really.
Yesterday afternoon when she got in from school Robin asked her to do the washing up. She went off on one, the usual "Why do I have to, why can't she do it" tirade. I don't really know what else she said, but I had Robin on the phone at work hopping mad. He was all for sending her back to her father's so he could put up with the rudeness, being spoken to like dirt and the filthy looks. I've never heard Robin so mad in all the time I've known him. Needless to say, I left the office and headed home pronto.
I managed to stay calm and not shout at her when I got in and had a long chat with her. She feels that we don't love her etc, we pick on her, Robin doesn't do stuff - play games, take them out etc any more (hello, he's ill!) she's asked to do too much about the home and so on..... probably normal stuff for someone her age but there's an undercurrent of nastiness and an edge to it all.
On top of which I find out this morning that DD1's been talking to her sister who's told Robin that she (DD1) doesn't like him, never has and would rather he wasn't here..... despite saying she really liked him when I asked as we got together and again when we were due to get married. I can only begin to imaine the hurt that Robin's feeling about this, if it were me in his situation I'd be devastated. DD2 was really sweet though and said that she loved him and it didn't matter what DD1 was like she'd be there for him.
So now I hate going home, I'm depressed at work and all I really want to do is hide under the duvet and pretend it's not happening... that or knit!
What I'm really finding hard to cope with is the sheer nastiness to her sister, the cat, us.... in fact almost anyone she comes into contact with. It doesn't matter what you've done, sometimes just breathing in her vicinity is enough to set her off.
Sunday she asked me why she had to do anything Robin told her to as he's not her "real father"... I did point out that he was much better than her real father given that the last time she'd seen him he'd beaten her black and blue (I still have photos to prove it). I also pointed out that he didn't have to have taken her on when he met me - many men wouldn't, that he loved her, did stuff for her and generally spoiled her..... not sure that any of it made any difference really.
Yesterday afternoon when she got in from school Robin asked her to do the washing up. She went off on one, the usual "Why do I have to, why can't she do it" tirade. I don't really know what else she said, but I had Robin on the phone at work hopping mad. He was all for sending her back to her father's so he could put up with the rudeness, being spoken to like dirt and the filthy looks. I've never heard Robin so mad in all the time I've known him. Needless to say, I left the office and headed home pronto.
I managed to stay calm and not shout at her when I got in and had a long chat with her. She feels that we don't love her etc, we pick on her, Robin doesn't do stuff - play games, take them out etc any more (hello, he's ill!) she's asked to do too much about the home and so on..... probably normal stuff for someone her age but there's an undercurrent of nastiness and an edge to it all.
On top of which I find out this morning that DD1's been talking to her sister who's told Robin that she (DD1) doesn't like him, never has and would rather he wasn't here..... despite saying she really liked him when I asked as we got together and again when we were due to get married. I can only begin to imaine the hurt that Robin's feeling about this, if it were me in his situation I'd be devastated. DD2 was really sweet though and said that she loved him and it didn't matter what DD1 was like she'd be there for him.
So now I hate going home, I'm depressed at work and all I really want to do is hide under the duvet and pretend it's not happening... that or knit!
Saturday 3 January 2009
What did you get for Christmas
me, I got flu :(
I started feeling rough on the Thursday before Christmas and other than a brief rally yesterday I've been feeling like death warmed up all Christmas.
I had two weeks off work, planned to do stuff with the girls for Christmas and then things about the house in the first break of any substance I've had for about a year now. Instead I've been hot and cold, coughing, sore throat and headache - the whole works. Yesterday I thought I'd turned a corner and was on the way up, today I feel like I've been run over by a bus.
To say I'm frustrated is an understatement, but I feel most sorry for my girls. You see, not only have I had it but hubby who's already not that well has had it too. So there's been no family fun and games or anything like that, they've pretty much had to fend for themselves to be honest. I know there's next Christmas but that seems rather a long time away at the moment. Perhaps I'll be able to take some time off in Feburay half term and we can do something interesting then.
I hope all of you reading this have had a much better Christmas and New Year that I have and I wish you all every blessing for this year ahead.
I started feeling rough on the Thursday before Christmas and other than a brief rally yesterday I've been feeling like death warmed up all Christmas.
I had two weeks off work, planned to do stuff with the girls for Christmas and then things about the house in the first break of any substance I've had for about a year now. Instead I've been hot and cold, coughing, sore throat and headache - the whole works. Yesterday I thought I'd turned a corner and was on the way up, today I feel like I've been run over by a bus.
To say I'm frustrated is an understatement, but I feel most sorry for my girls. You see, not only have I had it but hubby who's already not that well has had it too. So there's been no family fun and games or anything like that, they've pretty much had to fend for themselves to be honest. I know there's next Christmas but that seems rather a long time away at the moment. Perhaps I'll be able to take some time off in Feburay half term and we can do something interesting then.
I hope all of you reading this have had a much better Christmas and New Year that I have and I wish you all every blessing for this year ahead.
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