The big D word

That no one ever talks about - Depression. Well here's the thing. I'm depressed, I have been on and off for years. It goes in cycles and I can get years of being fine and then I'll be struck down with it again. When we moved here a few years ago I was on a good part of the cycle, feeling better and much more able to get on with life.

Since then I've failed dismally to get a permanent job, despite people I work with or for giving me glowing references. The girls are going through puberty, complete with hormonal mood swings, stubborn argumentativeness and sheer rudeness. The CSA has decided in their infinite wisdom that my ex doesn't need to pay maintenance despite obviously lying about his income on their forms. I've appealed but it's not worked, in fact, I apparently need to repay 2K he's overpaid! I can't claim for any money from the DSS or income support because I haven't worked solidly for the last 2 years - although I've worked for most of that time, part of it's been part time so I've not paid enough stamp I'm told.

To cap it all off things with hubby and I aren't the best. He's not been well for ages, in fact almost since I met him he's been on a downward spiral health-wise. It's had an effect on all areas of our marriage, including those people don't talk about. I've not been good health-wise myself so I guess I'm partly to blame. But he's cutting me out of things and won't talk to me about things.

But now I feel lost and don't know what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to go from here. I feel totally worthless, society tells me I'm not worth helping in any way, I've got no concentration so I'm not achieving anything craft wise which has always been a help when I've been depressed before. I'm failing as a parent cause all I seem to do is argue with the girls, I can't even manage to get to meetings at the right time - last night I turned up an hour late for one, completely believing I was on time. I'm overweight and heading in the wrong direction on the scales but I can't get the energy together to think about what I'm eating and even getting up the stairs can be a challenge some days, so exercise isn't possible either.

I'm so tempted to run away, but with no petrol in the car, less than 50 pounds in the bank I don't think I'll get far. Not to mention that the children will track me down. I give up.